The Write 31 Days Challenge – 31 Days,Every Day,One Topic
My husband felt helpless to help me, especially because I’d not wanted him to share with others how messed up I really was. But on the night when he found me at my worst, my frazzled, someone-please-help-me-with-my-wife hubby, placed a call to some trusted friends within the church. The reconnaissance team, the wearers of spiritual armor, the warriors in prayer.
This would be the beginning of season of change and I was more than ready.
It would take an upending of life as I knew it to bring my deeply buried pain to the surface. Click To Tweet
It was about fourteen years ago that we sat in a room after church with three friends who cared enough to give up their own plans to stay and spend the afternoon with me. I figure they were either moved by my husband’s desperation or they saw the depth of pain in my eyes.
After sharing with them what had been going on they asked me to give them a short overview of my past, because sometimes the beginning – do, re, mi – really is a very good place to start. After listening to my story for awhile they asked me some questions about forgiveness:
Had I forgiven all those who had harmed me?
Had I asked God to forgive me for harboring resentment against them?Then, from across the room, 'Have you forgiven yourself?' Click To Tweet
What? Forgive myself? Really? I’d never heard of self-forgiveness and I wasn’t sure I could!
There were so many things!!!
“How can I forgive myself for . . .”
“I still live with the guilt of . . .”
“I’ll always regret . . .”
“If only I had . . .”
No more excuses!
We went to prayer. The leader of the prayer team sat with me, face-to-face, knee-to-knee, praying. His wife stood behind me agreeing in silent prayer.
This is where it gets weird. Freaky for others to hear about but especially freaky for me, the one who was there in the room!
As I repeated the words to a prayer of self-forgiveness, deep feelings of agitation began to rise up in me. When I tried to speak words of forgiveness toward myself I had trouble choking the words past the hard knot in my throat. My breathing became labored. I wanted to escape and, in fact, my physical body began to rise right up out of that chair. The wife placed her hands gently upon my shoulders and commanded my body to be still.
I settled back in the chair then and spoke out boldly, finishing my prayer of self-forgiveness and thanking God for the new thing He had done in my life that day.
This was the beginning of the process of healing that was to take place in my life over the next several months, but it was a HUGE and memorable part of the process.
As I share this part of my story I can’t help but wonder, do you ever feel like you can’t forgive yourself for something in your past? Have you ever felt like your sin is darker than the “beautiful” people in your life? I know and I understand.
But LISTEN to this . . .
God our Father sent His only Son Jesus to pay the price for ALL our sin, past, present, and future, no matter how great. PERIOD and AMEN!
So how dare we throw our sin in the face of Father God and say that the blood of His Son was not enough? How dare we presume to think that OUR sin is bigger than the Father’s great gift of forgiveness? It seems to me that it is pure arrogance to continue to declare that He is not enough!
As our friend Pastor Roy says, “Amazing grace was the last breath of Jesus as He gave His life on the cross.”
Oh, but there is so much more to come, and Day 18 will be HUGE so please join me then for . . . Oh, I’m sorry, it is SO huge that I can’teven share the title because I don’t want to give it away 😉
Love ‘n hugs,
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