Day 15 – Coming to the End of Myself

The Write 31 Days Challenge – 31 Days,Every Day,One Topic

Day 15

(day 1 starts here)

A couple of days ago I mentioned texting back-and-forth with my childhood friend who has been very encouraging to me as I’ve been telling this story.  Knowing that she’s following along I shot off yet another text to her and here is what I said:

Hey girlfriend. As you read through my 31 day story please let me know if at any time I sound like I am a victim . . . I don’t want anyone to think I wear the victim label. God has delivered me from that and given me new labels. HIS names for me, not the names that the enemy would like be to believe.

That is truth.  My downward spiral after moving to Olympia was definitely triggered by recent life events but those experiences were simply new pain layered upon old, and my emotional state was not caused only by the actions of other people. As I said early on in this story, it is a story filled with notorious sinners and I am one!

It was really the events of a much earlier past that contributed to my feelings of being “less than” all the “beautiful” Christians who surrounded me. Things long buried that were working their way to the surface.

With all that had recently taken place in my life, it was to be expected that I would have some ups and downs, but I began experiencing extreme emotional meltdowns where I would fall apart completely and my husband would be “blessed” with the task of putting me back together again. 😉

Haha! Like Humpty Dumpty, putting Patti back together again was none too easy. Click To Tweet

After blowing off steam I’d feel better for awhile until the pressure would once again begin to build, only to be followed by another meltdown.  It became a regular pattern in my life and it was crazy making, especially for Kelly.

In this dark place in my head, thoughts of death and dying became more and more common until it began to feel like it was the only way to escape the pain I felt inside.  In all honesty, I’d had recurrent thoughts of dying for years but the feelings were always fleeting and always passed.  

Now it became so bad that my husband was afraid to go to work because he never knew what he would come home to. Click To Tweet

How did Perfect Patti, master of appearances, smiling and cheerful to those on the outside, become such a self hating mess in the privacy of her own home?

In my ever increasing pain and anxiety I cried out to God, asking Him to please take my life.  And when He didn’t respond I did something more shocking and horrible than you can even imagine.  

Standing alone in my living room one pitch-black night, I literally threw my arms out in surrender to the darkness and cried out to the enemy of my soul, “I give up. You can have me. I’m yours.”

Even now it gives me shivers to think of the gravity of my words and actions. Click To Tweet

And again, but God.  

Before the foundation of the world God knew me. He formed me in my mother’s womb and chose me as His own. I was created by Him and for Him and made to be uniquely me.  Not better than anyone else. Not less than anyone else. This one Patti that, in God’s eyes, no one else could ever replace.

And Jesus, whom I’d professed as my Savior as a small child held onto me, just as He promises in the Bible when He says,

^“I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand.” John 10:28-29 NIV

I was powerless to help myself.  I’d given up and almost given myself away to the very one whose purpose for me and for every Christ follower is to steal, kill, and destroy.

To Steal – Our identity

To Kill – Our hope

To Destroy – Our life eternal

I was literally at the end of myself and things that had laid buried for decades and would now need to be faced.  Or not. The choice was up to me. 🙂

Of course y’all know that I’m alive, so VERY ALIVE, that my choice must’ve been a good one!

Come on back tomorrow for Day 16, God Speaks to my Heart.

 

 

To follow this series from Day 1 click right HERE.

And please feel free to share if you think this series might be valuable to someone you know.

I’ve been known to link up to the following great parties!!!

Sunday:

SundaysAtHome, LifeOnLakeshoreDrive, SilverPenniesSundays, RusticAndRefined, Spiritual Sundays

Monday:

IShouldBeMoppingTheFloor, TheDedicatedHouse, Dwellings, ProjectInspired,  InspireMeMonday, CelebrateYourStory, What Joy is Mine/Monday Musings, Darling Downs Diaries, The Art of Homemaking, MomentsOfHope, Glimpses, SittingAmongFriends, InspireMeMonday, GodSizedDreams

 

Tuesday:

TalkOfTheTown, HomeStoriesAtoZ, AStrollThruLife, CoastalCharm, CedarHillFarmhouse, TuesdaysAtOurHome, TheWinthropChronicles,  Rich Faith Rising Unite Linky, Testimony Tuesday,Cheerleaders of Faith,Tell His Story

Wednesday:

SavvySouthernStyle, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Woman to Woman Word Filled Wednesdays, Coffee for Your Heart, MessyMarriage, ThreeWordWednesday,  WriterWednesday

Thursday:

ShareYourStyle, ImpartingGrace, EmbracingChange, HaveADailyCupOfMrsOlson, MyRepurposedLife, ADelightsomeLife, KatherinesCorner,  Thought Provoking Thursday, SincerelyPaulas, ThoughtfulThursday, Tune-inThursday

Friday:

FrenchCountryCottage, TheCharmOfHome, TheDedicatedHouseAnythingBlueFriday, ShabbyliciousFriday, Faith’nFriends,  Dance With Jesus FreshMarketFriday

Saturday:

FunkyJunkInteriors, SaturdaySparks, TheInspirationGallery, Make My Saturday Sweet