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Help! I’m Stuck in my Spanx . . . or . . . The Weirdest Post I’ve Ever Done!

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This is not a typical post for me.  I usually write about my thrift store exploits, re-purposing old items or painting old furniture.  This post is about me trying to take this upper-side-of-fifty body of mine and turn back the cruel hands of time. Old Things New, right?
So, here’s the story.  I was out shopping with a friend the other day and I tried on this really cute green, loose weave summer sweater.  
The color was perfect, the fit not so much!  You see, along with the ageing process has come this stuff around my middle section that is beginning to make me look just like my mother.  Not that looking like my mother is a bad thing . . . just a little astonishing!  I’ve always been fortunate enough to be able to keep my weight down (good genes) and have had a “highest allowable weight” that I’ve kept myself too.  In recent months, the “highest allowable” has been exceeded.  Not by a lot mind you, but enough that my clothes aren’t fitting so well.  I  must now squeeze myself into my jeans . . . hold my breath while I zip them up and then stand in wonder at the inner tube rolling over the top!  Where in the world did that thing come from?  Since I really DO NOT want to start buying a bigger pant size I really need to do something about this problem.  So far I’ve just been wearing shirts with little sweaters that hide the roll, but summer has arrived and it’s getting warmer every day so that isn’t going to cut it for much longer.
So, I said to my shopping buddy, after trying on the sweater, “I love this sweater, even though it does kinda show off the rolls around my middle.”  
To which she responded, “You can always wear Spanx.”
Spanx!  That could be just the answer I was looking for!
  Dieting hasn’t been working too well (all the eating out while moving my in-laws), exercise hasn’t been too regular (I injured my heel during the move and it isn’t healing well), life has been really stressful (I NEED comfort food)!  Hmmm . . . does that sound a bit like I’m making excuses?
This just so happens to be my comfort food of choice.
Not only are they yummy but they have these nice little sayings inside.
 Give myself permission to do what? Continue out of control? Continue making excuses? Ugh!!!
So off I went to Target today to find some body slimming undergarments.  Before going any further I should tell you that this isn’t an ad for anyone’s slimwear.  If it was it would be pretty poor advertising as you’ll see by the time I’m finished.
Now Target didn’t actually have the Spanx brand of slimwear but they had a whole wall full of choices.  Upper body slimming, lower body slimming, whole body slimming, slimwear with and without bras . . .
I chose this little Maidenform number . . . obviously because of the picture of what I would look like when I put it on.
 I headed off to the dressing rooms and this is where my shopping trip went awry!  Have you ever tried on body slimming underwear?  OH  . . .MY  . . .GOODNESS!  I brought a small and a medium into the dressing room with me.  According to the tag I was a small but I quickly learned that a small was impossible to even get over head!  I didn’t THINK my head was that big!  Next I went with the medium.  After slipping each arm through the straps (by now I was beginning to sweat) I tried pulling the thing down over my body but it became all balled up and stuck across the top of by chest at the top of my armpits.  It had me in a vise grip!  I tried pulling it down.  I tried pulling it up.  It didn’t budge.  As the sweat began to pour down my body and make things slicker I happened to glance down at my toes and notice that they looked a bit purple.  Was it possible that this thing was cutting off my circulation?  
Okay, I told myself, “Just breathe.”  What were my options?  I could call 911 from the dressing room, I could call to the salesperson to  come in and scan the tag on my body so that I could pay for this thing, put my shirt on and go home (where I would cut it off ).  But since neither of those options would leave me with a shred of dignity (and I really don’t like to be embarrassed) I decided to take a deep breath and start over.  Instructions! Where were the instructions for getting into this garment?  Nope . . . no instructions!  Reaching my fingers beneath the tightly rolled up mess I began to tug down one little edge of fabric at a time and little by little, bit by bit it began to descend over my body, until finally, I was FREE!
Sooo . . . while in this new position of freedom I might as well put my shirt back on to see if these slimming things really work, right?  
My oh my . . . was I surprised! 
Not a bit of Pillsbury Doughboy, inner tubey, cinnamon rolly stuff hanging over the wasteband of my jeans!
Yureka! These things are great!
I bought two, one in black and one in beige.  On the way to the checkstand I did take the time to send off a quick text chastising my shopping buddy for not letting me know that this type of shopping trip is not meant to be a solo endeavor.  She sent me back a big LOL!
When Mr. OTN came home from work I asked him to take my picture in this little dress (one of my most unforgiving pieces of clothing).  Without asking any questions he obediently followed me out to the deck for a photo shoot.  I told him to make me look skinny and giggled.  No comment from Mr. OTN. Obviously he was too tired to notice my new svelte figure.
 Okay, so I may not be like the model on the Maidenform card but I find it incredible how much my tummy has shrunk!  Will I wear this every day?  Absolutely NOT!  “Why not?”,  you ask?
1.  It is exhausting to get on.
2.  It has to be unhooked and rehooked when you use the bathroom.
3.  It is giving me a little bit of a backache.  I wonder if corsets felt like this?
4.  I really DO need to get back on a healthy eating and exercise regimen.
5.  I’m not looking forward to going upstairs to get my jammies on because I have to find a way to get out of this thing. Oyyyy!
I will however enjoy wearing this for special occasions and to reign my tummy in (until I lose some of the excess around the middle) so that I can wear my cute new green sweater.
Blessed is he who has learned to laugh at himself,  for he shall never cease to be entertained ~ John Powell
    Blessings,
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Comments

  1. Oh my goodness Patti. That must have been awkward. I think I would opt to not wear the garment also. By the way, I love the green sweater. Remember that beauty comes in all body sizes/types. We should all be striving to be healthy regardless of our weights 🙂

    Reply

  2. Last fall, my daughter took me shopping for a dress to wear to a special wedding. She kept picking things that accentuated my inner tube. She assured me that we would get Spanx. I couldn’t believe the difference. And, I have not worn the Spanx or the dress since. I should try to wear it this summer.

    I had my daughter with me to help get me into the thing.

    YOU LOOK GREAT!

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  3. I know E X A C T L Y what you’re taking about! I love spanx but I have to buy a size that 4 times bigger just to smooth things out…so I can get it on w/o going thru the aerobic workout of running 5 miles! I just wanna smooth things out, not put it into a vice grip…lol

    I loved this post, thank you for sharing it…and you look gorgeous BTW!

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  4. So funny, unfortunately we all know about those few extra pounds. Now if those Spanx came with air conditioning they would really have a winning product!!! You looked good by the way…… Laura

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  5. Hi Patti – I am laughing in solidarity as this has happened to me with clothing in the dressing room… pick something that should fit and get it half way on… and wishing for an escape button. Thank you for sharing and I mean that in all sincerity! Hugs, Holly @ coconutheadsurvivalguide

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  6. Hahaha, Patti! I have been there! Stuck there trying to get into one of those contraptions in the dressing room, I figured if I was going to sweat that much, I should just exercise! 😉 Thanks for the laugh! Ps- You do look fabulous!

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  9. Your maxi dress looks great! Lol, i tried spanx but couldn’t breath either! Now I occasional wear a tummy slimmer tank top under clothes. It really does smooth out the figure. Find them in lingere at Marshalls or TJ Maxx:) I posted fabric flower refashion to the Mod Vintage party! Stop by

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  10. I know what you mean! I was just thinking today, “How did I ever get to the point that I needed Spanx?”!! I decided I was going to ban them forever, but then took another look at the dress on my body and tugged and pulled until they were on. You look great in the green sweater! I am a new follower and would love for you to visit me at Still Woods Farmhouse and follow my little blog!
    Blessings from Still Woods Farmhouse

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  12. This was one of the most hilarious posts I have ever read. My kids all rushed to the living room to make sure I was ok – I was laughing so hard! It was just so honest. Been there and done that…but never dreamt of blogging about it 🙂 Thanks so much!!

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  13. Patti, this post was hilarious! And you may be over the weight that’s comfortable for you, but you really do look great!! If I look half as good as you do when I’m you’re age, then I’ll be happy 🙂 Speaking of weight, I’m watching the scale go up, up, UP as I put on those pregnancy pounds – it’s frightening! I may have to invest on some spanx sooner rather than later!

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  14. I have laughed so hard I am almost crying. I did the same thing in Kohl’s with one of those things. They are so hard to get into and out of and yes they do help, but I find that I can’t breath after a while, so I have only worn mine about 30 minutes once. You look amazing. I am just trying the diet and exercise route and loosing that battle too. Thanks for the great laugh and thanks for joining Inspire Me. Hugs, Marty

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  15. You had me laughing all the way through this wonderful post, Patti!!! I’m also at the age where it’s not so easy to shed a pound or two or three, like I used to. My one redeeming trait is that I’m not a stress eater (I lose my appetite), and that has kept the pounds off fairly well!! :-))
    So glad you included a picture, because you look FABULOUS!!!!!
    Mary Alice

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  17. You look great! That sweater is super cute, I’m glad you bought it! I only tried shapewear after i was pregnant to hold in my loose abs and belly. Definitely not comfortable!

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  20. Hi Patti, You look great in that dress. I’m jealous! No spanx for me. I just let it all hang out. thanks for visiting Petticoat Junktion and leaving the nice comment on my radio cabinet makeover!

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  21. HI, Patti, you are so sweet to come by often & comment. This post is hilarious, I love how you shared your experience. I haven’t tried an all over spanx thing before, but it looks like it’s working. You look great in your maxi dress and that green sweater is so pretty. Yay for 50-something! I’m right there with you. Rhoda

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  22. I had something similar happen in the Target dressing room. I tried something like that on and immediately my chest and arms turned red and I wondered if I would ever get it off! lol Glad I’m not the only one that stood there and wondered what my options were!

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  23. Oh my gosh…I laughed! I could just see myself in the same situation for the same reason! I was always the skinny one, until the last two or three years, when the same mysterious thing happened to me. In fact I started counting calories again yesterday. Drat those over 50 hormone changes! You look positively svelte in your dress!

    Thank you for sharing this and your awesome flea market trip at What We Accomplished Wednesdays. Have a great week!

    Hugs,
    Deborah

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  26. This made me laugh so very, very hard. You look fantastic! Unfortunately, thanks to an incredibly slow metabolism and a non-working thyroid gland, I am all too familiar with Spanx. I have just about every type you can name. That’s so sad… But thank you for the laugh!

    xoxo
    Michelle@ Ya Gotta Have a Hobby

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  29. I have been there and done that, unfortunately I have a little more to hold in than you do! You look amazing, regardless what was underneath. I truly enjoyed your story…what we do in the name of vanity…lol!

    Debby

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  30. Now THIS is just too funny…yesterday morning I was having this same conversation with my sister and I was telling her I was getting too fat for my spanx (also not the real spanx, but slimwear none the less) and she was LAUGHING. I’m like, what the heck. Oh goodness, what we put ourselves through! Thank you so much for making me realize I’m not the only one. By the way, YOU LOOK FABULOUS!!!!

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  33. Oh…I feel your pain! I bought a couple a few years ago but I felt like it was just pushing things from one area to another. It was fine when I stood up but when I sat down…that extra fat was now up around my neck. Well, not really…but that is what it felt like. I probably bought too small a size but I decided it was just not worth it.

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  35. Patti! This is hilarious!!! You look gorgeous in both pics! I cannot stand slimming undergarments, I can’t believe anybody wears them every day! You can use my trick to look thinner in pictures where a try might be, pic monkey! They have a slimming feature!

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  36. Oh my gosh Patti, you had me laughing girl. I could just picture myself doing the exact same thing in that dressing room. I have never tried a Spanx. I really should, but I can’t stand anything tight. I know people that wear them all the time. I don’t have a lot of roll in the middle, but I have a pokey out bum. Guess I need one for there. lol! Remember, I said a lot. I definitely could roll the tummy in also. You do look great. As for me, I’ll just be a chubby 60 year old. Yup, just had a birthday. How on earth did I ever get that old? Better than the alternative. Thanks for sharing with SYC.
    hugs,
    Jann

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  37. This is just too funny and just too right! Patti what a wonderful post! There does come a point in time if we’re a normal woman that we end up trying these things – and yes – they do work, but they do make us contort and do funny things trying to get into them. You do look great~ I do appreciate you sharing with Home and Garden Thursday,
    Kathy

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  39. I am laughing so hard!! Mostly because I know other people who’ve done the same exact thing. Years ago I bought a spanx just for my booty…it was to make a certain dress look good. I wore it to a party and I was so miserable that I went to the restroom, took the spanx off, and put it I the trash. Never again!

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  40. Patti you are hilarious! And you rock with or without the help from the spanx. I loved this post and I thought I was the only one who got stuck with spanx under my armpits!

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  41. Wow, I am new to your blog, and OMGoodness, what an introduction — I am still wiping the tears from my eyes from laughing so hard! I am of the “vintage” who, once-upon-a-time, used girdles to hoist things into position and hold up your nylons. I was very trim at the time and mainly used it for the nylons (way before panty hose). I started having tummy problems, went to the doctor, and was told to burn that thing before it gave me a hernia — it was actually cutting off my circulation and caused some varicose veins in my legs. I did as I was told and have never worn any such contraption again. The closest I ever came since then were the “Tummy Control” panty hose, and I haven’t worn any kind of panty hose in a LONG time. I really quite like the dressy-casual look of bare legs, especially living in the AZ desert. I have a few jiggles, but not enough for me to force them into submission inside a pair of Spanx!

    Your dress and the sweater are just adorable, by-the-way!

    Reply

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